Murphy’s Laws of Photography
Posted by Ralph Berrett in General on the Big Photo Hunt community board, .
1. If the test shots go perfectly, the real shoot will be a disaster.
2. The greater your excitement about a shoot, the greater the chance that something will go exceptionally wrong.
3. Success happens quietly when nobody is looking. Failure blasts the door off its hinges when the client is watching.
4. You really only need a tripod when you don’t have one with you.
5. The smoother the shoot goes, the greater likelihood that the card will be lost, corrupted, or stolen by werewolves.
6. The best photo ops of animals and children only happen when two very specific cosmic conditions are met– they’re ready, and you’re not.
7. Perfect weather lasts only as long as it takes for you to set up the shot.
8. Perfect weather will return as soon as you finish packing up your gear and drive away.
10. The lens you drop will always be the one you could only afford because you stopped eating for six or eight months.
11. You will never drop this lens on a soft, pillowy surface.
12. Long-life batteries actually laugh at you when they run out. Seriously.
13. The one time you leave the camera at home will definitely be the time you miss the shot of a lifetime. Bringing the camera with you will ensure that nothing happens.
14. The lens currently attached to your camera will never be the lens you need for the first shot.
15. If you are the passenger in a plane, train, bus, truck, automobile, or any other mode of transport, the most stunning scene you’ve ever witnessed in your life will be on the other side.
16. You spent weeks, months, years– maybe even decades– searching the world and your soul for the perfect expression of your photographic vision. You practiced. You studied. You tried, failed, and tried again. You found a mentor. You honed your craft. You allowed your camera to become a true extension of both your body and your mind. The guy who just beat you in a photo contest did it in three seconds with his iPhone.
17. The slower the shutter speed, the stronger the wind.
18. Law of Gardening: Trees always grow best out of human heads.
19. Butterflies that sit still for hours can be made mobile by attempting photographic exposure.
20. Law of Flash Portraits: Preflash systems help eliminate red-eye by stopping down the eyelids.
21. The less time available for a shot, the more time you need to set up equipment.
22. The sunset is always most spectacular on your wedding anniversary. (In other words, forget it!)
23. The perceived usefulness of any piece of equipment is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought.
24. Negative expectations yield negative results; positive expectations yield negative results.
25. Low-dispersion glass attracts flying projectiles. Franklin Mint products, however, last forever.
26. You never find a lost accessory . . . until you’ve replaced it.
27. You will be changing lenses, film, data cards or other things when the shot of your dreams appears before you. It will be gone by the time your camera is ready to shoot.
28. 99.0/100 times your 24 exposure roll of film will give you that 25th exposure. It will stop at 24 when a fantastic photo opportunity arises. If the opportunity is fleeting, you will not be able to get another roll of film in fast enough. If it's a long-lasting opportunity, that was your last roll of film.
29. If you see a great opportunity for a photo, you will be without your camera. When you return with your camera, it will look nothing like you remember.
30. When you go buy that new, super-fantastic lens… and you don’t bring your camera with you (idiot), a great photographic opportunity will present itself no less than 5 minutes after leaving the store. Naturally, one the new lens would be perfect for.
31. If your favorite 100mm macro lens is sporting a rather large hood, and your subject is a very small insect, attempting to get just a little closer to the subject will result in the subject's death.
32. If you do kill your subject, the photo of the results will be a failure. Bad photo Karma.
33. If you buy a spare, backup battery, your original battery will not die until you neglect to put the spare into your bag. If possible, this will occur while you are only 30 minutes from home, BUT IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY!
34. You are not Ansel Adams; neither are you, Herb Ritz
35. Automatic Cameras - Aren't
36. Auto Focus - won't
37. If you can't remember, you left the film, cards, and/or batteries at home
38. No photo assignment remains unchanged after the first day of shooting
39. When in doubt, motor out
40. If a photo shoot goes too smoothly, then you will lose the cards or film
41. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid
42. Success occurs when no one is looking; failure occurs when the Client is watching
43. So the most critical roll of film is fogged, or the card is corrupt.
45. If you forgot, then you did not rewind the film
46. Photo Assistants are essential; they give photographers someone to yell at
47. The one item (batteries, film, cards, etc.) you need is always in short supply
48. Interchangeable parts aren't
49. Long-life batteries only last for a couple of shots
50. Weather never cooperates
51. Everything always works in your home; everything always fails on location
52. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
53. The newest and least experienced photographer will usually win the Pulitzer
54. Every instruction given to a lab, which can be misunderstood, will be
55. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work
56. Never tell the Photo Editor you have nothing to do
57. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't
58. No photojournalist is well dressed
59. No well-dressed photographer is a photojournalist
60. Professional photographers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs
61. The nature shots invariably happen on two occasions:
-when animals are ready.
-when you're not.
62. Same rule just substitute children
63. Client Intelligence is a contradiction
64. There is no such thing as a perfect shoot
65. The important things are always simple
66. The simple things are always hard
67. Flashes will fail as soon as you need them
68. A clean (and dry) camera is a magnet for dust, mud and moisture
69. Photo experience is something you never get until just after you need it
70. The self-importance of a client is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness)
71. The lens that falls is always the most expensive.
72. When you drop a lens cap, the inside part always lands face down in the mud.
73. Bugs always want to land on the mirror during a lens swap.
74. Your batteries will always go dead, or you will need to put in a new film canister or card at the least opportune moment.
75. Your batteries will always go dead during a long exposure (so with the shutter open).
76. Lenses are attracted back to their source - hard rocks.
Corollary: The more expensive the lens, the greater the attraction.
77. The greater a photographer's excitement, the greater its chance of fogging film, scratching prints, and deleting files.
78. The success of an assignment is inversely proportional to the product of its importance and the number of people watching.
79. Strobes only explode when lots of people are watching.
Corollary: Strobes only work when there is nobody else to see.
Please add to the list.
